I'm broken

Promises are made to be broken.

She promised me that she'll tag me along in the party. She swore that if I do great and we do win especially, I'll be able to greet the birthday boy personally.

She was serious last night. I really felt it as I looked straight in her eyes. She wasn't even smiling and her voice-- it was deep and very determined.

I, on the other hand, least care with what's on today. I would have given my best regardless of the invitation. All the same, I rode with her bribery and in pretense, played as if I'll give my whole body and soul just to win the game and be in the party. I jumped and screamed as she made her promise just to give myself a renewed energy, partly excited with the thought; that time, I knew then that our manager would need to prepare his credit card for later's dinner.

It was only a matter of time before the whistle blew to announce our victory. After this, everyone was in cloud 9 and the invitation was never mentioned for the rest of the night.

As I said, I least cared if I see him or not today. I played and won because I want to do it. If I do see him, it will be just an icing in a cake. So I came prettier than normal today. Proactive thinker and realist, that's me.

And very trusting.

Today, I didn't see him. I went home with a heavy heart. I should have known that her promise was just a gimmick.

Yes, I was invited but the circumstances were not on my side.

Truth vs Right

Passion flowed while I sit here, unconvinced that I'm miles away now.

I'm restless and I can't tell which caused this. Is it because the fact of us being a bunch of losers finally sinked in or because I was able to say no? I'm lost in thoughts of who's back there, drowning with the last sound I heard.

I should rejoice, I know I did the appropriate thing. I was able to get hold of myself, to control the urge of the moment and to get out without looking back. Father should be proud of my decision. But really now, why do I weep?

Silently, I struggle: be right or go for the truth?

Here's the truth. Seasons have changed, a trimester has passed and yet the feeling is still strong and thriving. Nothing's lost even after three hundred sixty days, only your presence. And they say that the truth shall set me free. Well in my case, while I'll bask in bliss with the being true, I wouldn't stand the heat of the fire.

Could I have felt different if we've won?

Honestly, losing is not an issue for me, especially if my heart is in berserk.

"Di man lang ba kayo manonood saglit?"

Ouch. I'm cut open.

God is good!

Before I met Sir Gojocco, my very cool Philo professor, I enjoy listening to Bible interpretations, how God loves us and how He works.

Now, it's different.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still a faithful Roman Catholic. I believe in God, in Jesus Christ, in the Holy Spirit, that Mama Mary is virgin and there are saints to whom I can ask for intercession. It is my faith that keeps me sane in this domain.

But something has changed. And that is I can't stand my pre-Confirmation seminar anymore.

This is my second time to attend such seminar. On my first attempt, I weren't confirmed due to schedule glitches so this year, I have to repeat that seminar again. I can perfectly remember my attitude then when I was seated on that seminar-- I was eagerly listening to Bro. What's-His-Name-Again, nodding and actively participating in the discussion. Last Saturday was so unlike me.

Yes, I can recite the seven gifts and the traditional prayers with closed eyes but my system just won't accept the lectures of the sisters giving the seminar. You see, they're teaching us their own interpretations of what's in heaven, that it is still the male who should dominate this world because Eve just came from Adan and other whatever human interpretations. I'm sort of a feminist and I totally disagree about the latter. Ok, we're entitled to our own beliefs and I chose not to listen to them.

This encounter saddened me. I thought my faith will be fully restored when I attend this seminar yet it turned out I'm wrong. Sadly, my faith is dented forever.

Nevertheless, as I said above, my faith is still with God, the creator of heaven and earth and I am confirming this faith on August 9. Though I've bitten the snake's apple in my philo class, and like Eve my eyes were opened to the demons, God's goodness is still more powerful and more comforting. My heart still belongs to Him and only Him.

While it's hard for me to accept more human interpretations, here are some of the thoughts I believe:

1. Do to others what you want them to do to you as well.

2. Life is never fair but God is, in time.

3. Our loving God does not use PAIN to teach us or make us realize what is good. True, we won't know happiness if we have not experienced sadness but still, this is not how God works. He knows better than this.

4. God will not put you in a situation He knows you can't overcome.

5. Just trust and obey, there's no other way.

Lastly, for those feeling really really low...

When you feel like quitting, ask this question: "Has God stopped doing good in my life?" If not, why give up?

Inactivity

My account has been inactive again since i don't know :)) maybe it has been two months now... feels like longer though.

And as a result, my write-ups are way overdue. Specially the Sagada trip account. I wish I can still make a complete account of the adventures we had and deliver it as exciting as I can remember them.

Among my pending projects are the reviews of the books and movies I've read/seen. As far as I can remember they are Sex and the City, Indiana Jones, Kung Fu Panda and Ironman for the movies and The Notebook, The Alchemist and Eleven Minutes for books. To date, I still haven't finished the Eleven Minutes and in fact I have no plans to even know how it will end. I'll tell you the reasons why in my review.

And being a camera-whore, of course, thousands of pictures of vanity and memories are patiently awaiting in my computer folders to be uploaded and published worldwide. It's amazing how my pictures accumulate really fast. (Nagtaka pa no...) I still have plans to print them despite my eco-friendly mindset. "Please consider the environmental impact before printing" If I won't start it with myself first, paano nalang ang mundo? So there. I will have to select the best pictures nalang (shocks, good luck to me during the selection process).

What else is lacking in my account...

Videos. I am still in the process of discovering how to put videos in this site :)) So as how to make my site more personalized, more "me".

Idle

My account has been idle again since i don't know :)) maybe it has been two months now... feels like longer though.

And as a result, my write-ups are way overdue. Specially the Sagada trip account. I wish I can still make a complete account of the adventures we had and deliver it as exciting as I can remember them.

Among my pending projects are the reviews of the books and movies I've read/seen. As far as I can remember they are Sex and the City, Indiana Jones, Kung Fu Panda and Ironman for the movies and The Notebook, The Alchemist and Eleven Minutes for books. To date, I still haven't finished the Eleven Minutes and in fact I have no plans to even know how it will end. I'll tell you the reasons why in my review.

And being a camera-whore, of course, thousands of pictures of vanity and memories are patiently awaiting in my computer file to be uploaded and published worldwide. It's amazing how my pictures accumulate really fast. (Nagtaka pa no...) I still have plans to print them despite my eco-friendly mindset. "Please consider the environmental impact before printing" If I won't start it with myself first, paano nalang ang mundo? So there. I will heve to select the best pictures nalang (shocks, good luck to me during the selection process)

Ooops, have to go now. Bye for now!