Thursday, July 27, 2006

anxious, ardent, avid, craving, eager, hungry, languishing, pining, ravenous, wishful, wistful, yearning

What are your wishes?

What is it that you want that you'll be willing to give everything you have just to have it? Or have it happen?

Just few months ago, you may have heard me saying this line "I'd give everything I have, mangyari lang to" almost every minute. But after coming to my senses, I realized I'm being foolish. BIG TIME. Ofcourse I can't give everything, not even my family, or my dreams nor my make-up for something that's just a product of surge impulses.

Be careful of what you wish for, you might actually get it.

And I thought, what if my wish did come true and in exchange of that wish, fate took away something I have, if not everything, atleast something. I treasure everything I have right now that I can't bear losing one of them. Who would want to lose something good that he has in exchange for something equally good? Definitely I want an addition but not only to offset what I just have before. All things I have right now, I believe, are all good so I don't want them replaced. So now, I chant differently.

If I deserve it, please give it to me soon.

the pact

In my walk to this page of my God-given life, I’ve felt and tried pain, even condemned and swore unhappiness. More often, I had taken for granted the blessings sent my way and just laugh them off. And where have I gone?

Oooops. Made a wrong opening paragraph. Our lives are full of drama series na – just turn on the TV and you’ll see what I mean – so let’s try something light. Comical? I don’t know, we’ll see.

Prelogue: Closures exist to give way to new openings. Naging uso ito sa mga relasyong romantiko, as far as my romance novels are concerned, whenever there’s a break up. Or even petty events such as crushes and infatuations that led to nothing. They say to be able to let go of someone who isn’t for you according to His plans, things must be settled well and clear for the peace of soul and self-composure.

Wait lang. Hindi talaga ‘to one of my drama series.

Just a recap: Dumdum saw, Dumdum came, Dumdum conquered. And I lost. I tried to return to the battle but after almost a year of poems and rants, I had enough bruises to heal and so many lessons to ponder and to keep me busy. All this time, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this before but somehow I didn’t keep the fight all by myself.

I was oblivious to another battle happening beside me.

I was so stunned to know she's on the same boat. As in freaking in the same boat. But similarly, we are now both sailing away to another page of our lives. And in this journey, I feel a strong urge that the process will not be complete without seeing my dumdum officially get out of my sea, thus the decision to attend the march.

Being my sole witness and guru (yes you were), I insist that she must go with me-- for richer or for poorer, may klase o wala. I've made the arrangements as early as beginnning of time so no turning back now. Only a major exam can stop us from going. Nakataga na 'to sa bato. And I've good reasons for this obsession, good lang, I can't say it's worth dying for.

Closure is one reason; to complete the journey-- para may ending diba? Another is my curiosity who that Muni is. Thanks to my premium memory and indifference I missed the wonders my environment offers during the early years and that includes knowing this Muni bee. Next is 'She knows my Dumdum while I don't know her dumdum' so I must know who that one is. Pero the light has died out and I realized I can go on with my life without discovering this one: siya na nagbigay ng isa pang dahilan para kami'y mapalapit sa isa't isa. I'm afraid if I pursue this baka mabulok lang ang natatanging bagay na nagpapula ng aking ngiti sa panahong ito. I'd rather put this to grave now. And the last one? Nah, not a big deal in general pero for me, it is. Sakin na lang yun. Let's just say I love good memories, like yung first-time moments... My heart inflates and I feel heaven whenever I do, even simple, little (and silly) things with the persons I treasure most... hindi kailangan grande.

Think I'm pathetic? I don't mind. Dito ako masaya.


Ginawin talaga ako kaya you can't ask me to join you to play in the rain. I hate it when my feet feel wet and my soaked clothes stick to my bod. My mucus membranes go berserk even for a drop of water.

I'd be the last person to enjoy anything when she's wet. Kahit beach outing pa yan.

Kaya naman I felt weird last time I went to the public market. It was raining hard and I'm alone with the weekly shopping list. Hands full of plastic bags, I jumped in the nearest tricycle and headed home; I hurried my shopping because I'm feeling really cold. Unfortunately, the tricycle I'm in didn't have any rain coat. The driver just don't care if his passenger is getting wet. And so I almost bathe in the rain.

And it was wonderful. The cool breeze that brushed my face, the rain drops that smacked my skin... they soothe my temperature and I felt peace for twenty minutes. I understood that moment why kids, even my Kuya, love bathing under the rain.This is just one of the blessings of the mighty sky.

And a flu after a while.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

deceiving l-00-ks

nakita ko na ang mga tingin na yan... a thousand times actually.

But what do they really mean?

...when they effortly turned around to watch you as you passed by?
...when they would check you out from head to toe?
...when they would pretend to peek in your friend's notes when their eyes were actually at your head?
...when you would unintentionally catch them looking your way for several times?
...when they would goggle at you insensitively?

Those burning stares that you could sense even when you're at your back, ano ba yun?
I wish they would stop it.

Hindi ako nakakatulog kakaisip "why is he looking at me?"