picture mo, kaligayahan ko

I've finally done it. I've finally put this game to an end. Hopefully.

Time flies so fast, isn't it? I can still recall how things started: our first sight, first email, first conversation, our first stare. They're all as clear as yesterday. Though I admit, there's something missing now - and I doubt if I'd still can make it come back - that is how magical they all felt. I know I felt heaven those days but I can't remember anymore how it felt , how good it felt.

I never took you out my mind, nor here... in my heart. You just drifted away, slowly and achingly. Everyday is like a battle; waking up every morning realizing how different things are now between us, that there's nothing I can do anymore to bring them back, is like dying again and again. Seriously, loneliness and failure sucked everything in me. For weeks I've been sick and pathetic; not even my family nor friends can do anything about it. I've even reached the suicidal stage. So it's really a miracle I'm still here in this world.

I've already accepted it. I've realized it's about time to move on. My whole life has been greatly and adversely affected now: I'm failing all my modules, I can't think well, I'm always lost in my mind, my tissues are all wet, I can't focus at anything. Yes, I'm shattered into pieces. But I'm ready now to bring things back to normal. Normal life, and you're not in it.

It is still hanging in the air though: why do you have to happen in my life that way, too soon and quick? For what reason? If it is for experience, joy... I don't get it. For it's more of the opposite. Failure, desperation, loss... what does He want to tell me?

Oh, I get it. Self-control. Think well before you act. Use your head not your heart. I just hope there's more to this. Admittedly, they sound nothing but crap. They're all easy to understand but they're not enough to fill the curiousity in me. I hope you'd tell me yourself. It's just unfair. How come I'm dying here with so much pain while you aren't even affected? How can I move on when my questions are still unanswered? How can I change the fact that though you're drifting away, the scar you're leaving is so deep that I think no one could ever fill it up except you.

I'm doing a monotonous again. I've done a million now yet there's still a lot inside I want to pour out. No, I don't want to talk to you. Actually I don't know myself what I really want. Is it you? I wish we could reset things and never let you happen anymore. If only we could do that then I would have been living normally these days, enjoying life, our modular program, everything.

I don't want to stop now. Set me free.