maalaala mo kaya

march 9 2006

written earlier----
my clock says it's 2259 now----

pandora's box
i know i should not have looked at my evaluation sheet but i did still.

What was the results?

You don't need to see the paper actually. the clues are all set clear. in fact i already felt what's inside even before i decided to take a peek inside.

i already have this premonition because of two things:
1. his actions say a lot. how he treats me, you can clearly feel that if there can be only two things he can wish for, these will be 'may domini get lost in her way' and 'may domini get lost'. Ano ba, he sees me as a useless being in a corporate suit' and i haven't got a clue on what have i done for him to be so cold at me. ok naman kami last week ha??

2. the 'very' sealed envelope tells me that 'oops, you wouldn't want to see what it says'. very unlike debbie's which is not in a sealed envelop so you can freely see the straight checks in th 4.0 column. hay, life can really be unfair.


and now that i know my expectations were too good to be true, my heart feels like it has been punched and stapled multiple times, not to mention shredded and been trashed.

this is what you get when you open something you're not supposed to see.


there's something really wrong with me

why is it that i can't have nice grades while justinne can, even without any effort?

why am i not a 'must hire' trainee for Sir Caloy?

what have i done or have not done to make him treat me like that?

don't i deserve better than what he gave me?

am i that awful, or obnoxious?

damn. what's wrong with me and why can't I have things my way?
why can't i please the people i treat special?

i'm losing my head soon, could someone please help me?





after that refreshing shower

maybe debbie's sheet is just too good to be true and it's a bit unreal to give someone a straight exceptional grade.

and maybe sir caloy is just being rational?

but why good potential only and not must hire???

it only shows i'm not perfect as i have perceived myself to be. damn again

but what do i care with what sir caloy thinks of me. afterall, he can be just bitter that i'm better off than him or something like that. what i care most is that miss nedy cares for me. i got a pillow from her. and i have new found friends in the personalities of sir emil, sir dave, miss len, miss myrna, miss medel, miss gianina, miss (?) miss bobbie and so on. si sir clyde!

sana si miss nedy or sir clyde nalang pinagsagot ko nang evaluation sheet ko.

pero tanggap ko na nga. no matter what i do, higit na pababa talaga grades ko. bawi nalang sa board exam.

i think i'm just off for fame: honors and toping the board. pero i should have learned by now that there's more to that and no amount of fame can fill that. i don't know it yet exactly but i just have to believe it. kasi kung hindi, bakit pa kailangan mangyari to???

i still believe that things happen for a reason -- this may sound a cliche and a reasoning for sanity's sake but i'd rather believe it kasi i can feel it. what am i saying?????